Two can Be the Loneliest Number

Three Dog Night has a song called "One is the Loneliest Number" and my favorite line of that song is the one that goes "...two can be as bad as one, its the loneliest number since the number one." I've felt this resonate in relationships, both intimate and friendly, but the last place I would think to meet this concept would be pregnancy. Being pregnant has been one of the most alienating experiences of my life and I can only imagine how that may or may not change once my daughter is born. I've forgotten how to be social and the life of the party, I've forgotten how to take breaks for coffee with friends, I've forgotten what its like to go on impromptu dates with my boyfriend, I've simply forgotten.

The alienation would be easier to swallow if it wasn't also compounded by an inert feeling of inadequacy... as a mother, woman, provider, community member, and friend. My body is rebelling and changing (I don't even recognize my ass or my boobs anymore), work sucks, I can't stay awake through a whole movie, I can't drink alcohol... the list goes on and on. It makes me wonder how many other mothers and mothers-to-be are in the same lonely boat drifting in a sea of maternity? Even when we try to reach out to others and say "hey, I need a friend" or "hey, could you remind me that I'm still fun despite my inability to move quickly or wear normal pants", we are often met with the same response... "I thought you'd be sleeping" or "Sorry, there was alcohol at that party. I didn't think you'd want to come." As if 'drunk' was contagious, 10pm is only for the non-childbearing, and all pregnant women want to do is eat... the last is mostly true but hardly my point.

I've never been more in-tune with how things around me are changing than in these months of growing a person. Its like my intuition, emotions, and bodily functions are all amplified by my "condition". We can try talking it out with our friends to let them know that "its ok to drink, curse, and be loud around me... I'm having a baby, I'm not in rehab or becoming a monk," but there's no guarantee that anyone will believe you. And in the end there's nothing truly to be done... you can start a blog, write a letter, complain to your significant other that he or she is not being mindful of your needs, bug your friends until someone wants to meet with you during the day for coffee. The truth is... things have changed and will continue to change and that's ok. No one can handle it and manage the balance better than a mother... I hope. Still... its pretty depressing to turn on whatever social media you are inclined to use at the time and watch everyone enjoying an exciting Saturday night out, a show, a movie, a gathering of friends, a world full of people (instead of being full of people... hehe). Oh well, my blog post is done and my heartburn is back so I think I'll make a cup of warm milk and try to sleep it off... I've heard that the baby can see light if you run a flashlight over your belly, maybe we can work out a Morse Code... good times.